Subj: comments on Ep. 102 final
Date: Tuesday, December 7, 2004 1:58:31 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on the Ep. 102 final.
1. Re: the following:
"**ON – THE TWO YOUNG LOVERS in foreground kissing as the TurtleCopter rises behind them (in “silent” mode) and the wind TOSSELS their hair. They don’t even budge or notice."
Interesting word, "TOSSELS" -- but I think the writer intended to use "tousles".
2.) Re: the following:
"*<WHAM!> DONATELLO as he slams the cell into Stockman, sending him flying with the back of his hand."
This is kind of confusing. Is Don hitting Stockman with the cell, or with his hand?
-- Pete
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Subj: comments on Ep. 104 first draft
Date: Wednesday, December 8, 2004 1:24:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on the Ep. 104 first draft.
1.) Re: the following:
"MASTER SPLINTER kneels in meditation. Suddenly, his eyes open and he smiles …
WIDER AS – THE ANCIENT ONE hurriedly <SLIDES> the door to Master Splinter’s room (new room).
SPLINTER
Ah, Ancient One, this is indeed a pleasant surprise."
Splinter seems pretty blase about the sudden and unexpected appearance of the Ancient One in the Turtles' supposedly secret lair. Isn't this a REALLY unusual occurrence?
Also -- unless I'm mistaken -- the Ancient One has never (prior to this scene) been in the Turtles' new lair. So obviously, he was able to find the lair through some special technique or knowledge or skill, probably mystical in nature. If so, why then does he not go DIRECTLY to the Turtles where they are out exercising? Why stop at the lair first?
2.) Re: the following:
"MICHELANGELO
Here, take Leo. I’m too young and handsome to be eaten.
RAPHAEL
Women and children and bonehead’s first."
To me, Raph's attempt at a joke just falls completely flat. (Plus there should be no apostrophe in "boneheads".) I would take it out.
3.) I love the idea that these sentinels are made of wood, and look (under their armor) like muscular versions of those articulated artists' models. Cool!
While reading the section where the Turtles battle the Sentinels on the rooftop, it occurred to me that, when they realize that these strangely resilient foes are in fact made of wood, it might be fun for them to briefly consider -- seriously and/or in jest -- how they might defeat a wooden adversary. Obviously fire would be one possible option. Termites? Dry rot? Sandpaper?
4.) Re: the following:
"DONATELLO
Raph? Leonardo?!"
Why does Don use Leo's full name here, but not Raphael's? Seems odd. I think under these circumstances he'd say "Leo".
5.) Re: the following:
"MICHELANGELO
Ooo-kay. Freaky weirdness, anyone?"
This might work better if we add one word:
"MICHELANGELO
Ooo-kay. More freaky weirdness, anyone?"
6.) Re: the following:
"MICHELANGELO
Some wooden mannequin guys with tonfa knocked the snot out of us and we woke up here.
The four humans share a look … maybe these are the enemy. The mood softens … they lower their weapons …
SHINKENDO KEN
Who are you?"
A couple of things here. First, "maybe these are the enemy" -- I'm assuming the "these" refers to the Sentinels, not the Turtles...? The grammar's a little weak.
Second, it might be fun if -- right after Ken says "Who are you?" -- one of the other humans says (more softly, perhaps almost muttering) "WHAT are you?" I suggest this because they seem to take the appearance of four humanoid Turtles in stride.
7.) Re: the following:
"PUSH IN DRAMATICALLY on the FOUR SHREDDERS as they stand! (NOTE: This is THE NINJA TRIBUNAL all dressed in their Shredder Armor. They are differentiated for the moment by: BLUE EYES, GREEN EYES, SILVER EYES and YELLOW EYES)."
No problem with the eyes, but I'm wondering if we should go a little further with color differences among the various Shredders. If this were CGI, it would be cool to make each set of armor a different chrome color, but that might be problematic with cel animation. So maybe there could be different colored waist sashes or something. Or whatever cloth pieces there are in the basic Shredder outfit could be colored differently for each.
8.) Re: the following:
"DONATELLO
What are we going to do, Leo? This doesn’t look good."
Don saying "What are we going to do, Leo?" makes him sound kind of lame. I'd take that out and just leave the "This doesn't look good."
9.) Re: the following:
"The turtles are unsure … but lower their weapons. They are joined by the four humans who move forward also lowering their weapons.
LEONARDO
Where are we?!
RAPHAEL
Just what the shell is going on here?!"
Didn't Raph say almost exactly the same thing about eight lines earlier? I think this should be rephrased.
10.) Re: the following:
"SILVER EYES (O.C. CONT’D)
… and now sail towards an important destiny."
Should that be "toward" (no "s")?
11.) Re: the following:
"MICHELANGELO
… if you call of your wooden dogs!"
I think that should be "off", not "of".
12.) Re: the following:
"EXT. ABOVE DECKS – TRIBUNAL SHIP – CONT’D
With much to think about, the four turtles and the four humans are on deck leaning on the gunwales of the ship looking forward to the approaching horizon of clouds as the ship is enter it. A wall of thick fog and mist envelops the boat …
LEONARDO
Well, there are a couple ways to look at this.
DONATELLO
We can fight … or run …
RAPHAEL
I don’t like runnin’!"
I think a line would be appropriate here that touches on the fact that there really isn't anywhere TO run -- I mean, they're on a boat in the middle of the ocean!
13.) I think we need to come up with a good reason why the Tribunal needs the Turtles and the four humans as fighters, when the Sentinels themselves are so good (I mean, haven't they kicked Turtle ass TWICE in this episode?).
-- Pete
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